The atmosphere in the living room was suffocating. I came home to find Maya sitting on the edge of the sofa, clutching a tissue, her shoulders shaking.
I dropped my keys. “Babe? What’s wrong?”
She looked up at me, her eyes red and swimming with tears. She patted the cushion next to her, the universal sign for ‘Sit down, your life is about to change.’
My girlfriend sat me down, tears in her eyes.
I sat. My palms instantly started sweating. I ran through the possibilities. Did someone die? Did she lose her job? Did she find my stash of forbidden snacks?
She took a shaky breath. “‘We need to talk,’” she whispered.
Then, she delivered the two words that have the power to stop time.
“‘I’m late.’“.
The world went silent. My heart stopped.
Late.
My brain went into overdrive. I saw visions of strollers, college tuition, and sleepless nights. I saw my gaming room being painted pastel yellow. I started doing mental math on our finances. Okay, if we sell the car, buy diapers in bulk, and I pick up a second shift… maybe we can survive.
I looked at her, ready to step up, ready to be the supportive partner.
“‘How late?’” I stammered, my voice sounding tinny and far away.
She buried her face in her hands. “‘Very,’” she sobbed.
I reached out to hug her, to tell her we would figure it out together.
Then, she finished the sentence.
“‘I missed the bus, and now we’re going to miss the movie previews.’“.
I froze. My hand hovered in mid-air. “The… what?”
“The previews!” she wailed. “They’re the best part! And I wanted to get the limited edition popcorn bucket!”
I stared at her. I had just mentally liquidated my 401k and named our firstborn, and she was having a breakdown because we were going to miss the trailer for the new Fast & Furious movie.
I slumped back against the couch, feeling the adrenaline leave my body in a dizzying rush. I realized then that my girlfriend wasn’t pregnant; she was just a cinephile with zero sense of dramatic irony. And frankly, needing a new diaper budget might have been less stressful than dating someone who weeps over missed trailers.